May 24, 2013

SnowHEADLINE: ‘Winter’ – maybe even snow – to return for Memorial Day weekend
What We Learned Today…
…there’s good news for those planning Memorial Day luge trips.
Washington BridgeHEADLINE: Truck hit caused Washington state bridge collapse, police say
What We Learned Today…
…a structure collapses in Washington State and miraculously doesn’t fall on a Starbucks.
CockroachHEADLINE: Cockroaches lose their ‘sweet tooth’ to evade traps
What We Learned Today…
…Cockroaches now have better eating habits than America’s youth.
mcdonaldsHEADLINE: McDonald’s CEO Responds to 9-Year-Old Girl Who Claims Kids Are Being Tricked
What We Learned Today…
…it’s apparently okay for an obnoxious 9-year-old girl to lie about McDonalds.
RogersHEADLINE: Rogers coming back as first openly gay player in MLS
What We Learned Today…
…once again, no one remembers Rip Taylor’s MLS stint back in the late nineties.

May 23, 2013

Holder contemptHEADLINE: Holder OK’d search warrant for Fox News reporter’s private emails, official says
What We Learned Today…
…it’s time to stop the denial and just come right out and say it: Holder is a modern day Elliott Ness.
Boy ScoutsHEADLINE: Boy Scouts vote to lift ban on gay youth
What We Learned Today…
…scouts can now get badges in jazz hands and quiches.
Code PinkHEADLINE: Obama heckled by Code Pink leader
What We Learned Today…
…Code Pink heckling President Obama is like Gandhi calling Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. a bully.
pregnancyHEADLINE: Teen Pregnancies Continue To Decline, New Report Shows
What We Learned Today…
…MTV’s teen pregnancy shows are finally paying dividends.
Amanda BynesHEADLINE: Amanda Bynes Busted For Weed & Bong Tossing
What We Learned Today…
…Amanda Bynes’ apartment is in desperate need of an air freshener.

May 21, 2013

CongressHEADLINE: Immigration reform clears hurdle
What We Learned Today…
…Immigration reform clears legal hurdle while illegal immigrants hurdle forms.
Pope FrancisHEADLINE: Vatican: Pope didn’t perform exorcism
What We Learned Today…
…apparently the Vatican is into announcing things the Pope has never done before. Tomorrow: the pope has never tapped a keg!
LizHEADLINE: ‘Tornado clearly targets conservatives’: Daily Show creator faces backlash over insensitive tweet
What We Learned Today…
…Lizz Winstead still isn’t funny.
Nidal HasanHEADLINE: Report: Fort Hood shooter has drawn $278G in salary since massacre
What We Learned Today…
…Nidal Hasan has his money on his mind and his mind on his money.
Cleveland CavsHEADLINE: Cavaliers win NBA Draft Lottery again
What We Learned Today…
…Cavaliers get to draft a future NBA superstar and spend the next three seasons getting him ready to play for the Miami Heat.

May 20, 2013

James RosenHEADLINE: Justice Department affidavit labels Fox News journalist as possible ‘co-conspirator’
What We Learned Today…
…amazingly, the first Fox News reporter accused of being a criminal “co-conspirator” is James Rosen and NOT Greg Gutfeld.
Michelle ObamaHEADLINE: First Lady: ‘I Could Take Up A Whole Afternoon Talking About’ Obama’s Failures
What We Learned Today…
…the First Lady needs an entire afternoon to say what everyone else can say in four words: “he’s failed at everything.”
Ray ManzarekHEADLINE: The Doors’ Ray Manzarek dead at 74
What We Learned Today…
…this is “The End” for Ray Manzarek who has broken on through to the other side.
David KarpHEADLINE: New Yorker Sells Social Networking Giant Tumblr To Yahoo! For $1.1 Billion
What We Learned Today…
…hopefully Yahoo! can add the missing “E.”
Eva LongoriaHEADLINE: Eva Longoria suffers embarrassing wardrobe malfunction
What We Learned Today…
…someone is trying very hard to jump start their career.

May 16, 2013

IRSHEADLINE: IRS Official in Charge During Tea Party Targeting Now Runs Health Care Office
What We Learned Today…
…you don’t want to be a Tea Party member when facing a death panel.
President Obama and Turkey's Recep Tayyip ErdoganHEADLINE: Obama says U.S. won’t act alone on Syria
What We Learned Today…
…Obama won’t act on Syria unless Luxembourg and Albania have our backs.
CongressHEADLINE: House group reaches deal on immigration bill
What We Learned Today…
…the best way to get congress to work together is to have them work on laws for non-citizens.
Bea ArthurHEADLINE: Bea Arthur Nude Sells For Nearly $2 Million At Auction
What We Learned Today…
…someone really wants to see Bea Arthur’s ‘Golden Girls.’
David BeckhamHEADLINE: David Beckham: ex-Man Utd, Real Madrid & AC Milan star to retire
What We Learned Today…
…David Beckham set to retire as the most popular sports figure with the highest speaking voice.

May 15, 2013

MolotovHEADLINE: Benghazi emails show State Department had heavy hand in watering down account of attack
What We Learned Today…
…just like the rest of us, the government can screw things up after a bad email conversation.
Holder contemptHEADLINE: Holder lashes out at Issa during tense hearing, calls conduct ‘shameful’
What We Learned Today…
…if you or I were as bad at our jobs as Holder is at his we’d be fired.
test tubeHEADLINE: Embryonic stem cells: Advance in medical human cloning
What We Learned Today…
…we’re getting closer to global dream of having unlimited supply of Vince Vaughns.
NBAHEADLINE: NBA Owners Vote to Keep Kings in Sacrament
What We Learned Today…
…NBA owners not ready to eliminate with hallowed rivalry that is Sacramento Kings versus Utah Jazz.
Britney SpearsHEADLINE: Britney Spears: ‘I Like the Salty and Sweet
What We Learned Today…
…once again we’ve entered that time of year where news outlets do everything they can to win a Peabody Award.

May 14, 2013

CIAHEADLINE: Russia to expel ‘CIA agent’ in spy recruitment scandal
What We Learned Today…
…if your a spy and your arrest is covered by the media than you’re not a spy.
OJ SimpsonHEADLINE: O.J. Simpson allowed to have hand free during hearing
What We Learned Today…
…if the hand is unfettered the new hearing must go better.
IRS OfficeHEADLINE: Progressive Group: IRS Gave Us Conservative Groups’ Confidential Docs
What We Learned Today…
…IRS now stands for “Irritate Republicans Service.”
Angelina JolieHEADLINE: Angelina Jolie undergoes double mastectomy
What We Learned Today…
…regardless of how much wealth and fame you have, it all means nothing if you don’t have your health.
BeyonceHEADLINE: Beyonce cancels concert due to exhaustion
What We Learned Today…
…it’s exhausting lip-syncing and changing clothes for two hours every other night.
JustinBieberHEADLINE: Justin Bieber Concert Scene of Stadium Heist
What We Learned Today…
…at least someone walked away from the concert having gotten their money’s worth.

May 13, 2013

Holder contemptHEADLINE: Gov’t obtains wide AP phone records in probe
What We Learned Today…
…a surprising number AP reporters have written stories on 1-800-Spank-Me.
ObamagolfHEADLINE: President Obama Blames Political Gridlock on ‘Hyper-Partisanship,’ Rush Limbaugh
What We Learned Today…
…leader of the free world thinks he’s less powerful than Rush Limbaugh.
Dr Joyce BrothersHEADLINE: Dr. Joyce Brothers, famed TV psychologist, dies at 85
What We Learned Today…
…Dr. Brothers published over 15 books and appeared on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson more than 100 times (take that Dr. Phil).
Chris HadfieldHEADLINE: Chris Hadfield’s ‘Space Oddity’ is a hit: What’s next for space superstar?
What We Learned Today…
…Chris Hadfield’s voice lacks weight and his phrasing floats around too much; it’s like he doesn’t know the gravity of the song.
Tim TebowHEADLINE: ESPN analyst wants to pay Tim Tebow to play quarterback
What We Learned Today…
…there’s good news and bad news for Tim Tebow: the bad news is he was offered a job in the Arena Football League; the good news is if he takes it he’ll be on a team that’s better than the Jets.

May 10, 2013

Jay CarneyHEADLINE: White House scrambles to contain Benghazi-gate fallout
What We Learned Today…
…[we'll have a joke once we decide which talking points we want to use].
moneyHEADLINE: IRS Apologizes for Scrutiny of Conservative Groups
What We Learned Today…
…hell has frozen over.
3-D GunHEADLINE: US government orders removal of Defcad 3D-gun designs
What We Learned Today…
…U.S. government doing everything they can to remove 3D-gun designs but not lifting a finger to remove bad 3-D movies.
Great GatsbyHEADLINE: The Great Gatsby Founders Miserably on the Silver Screen
What We Learned Today…
…still no decent “The Great Gatsby” movie to view in lieu of actually reading the book.
Kate UptonHEADLINE: Kate Upton covers Vogue for the first time, talks about her ‘natural’ breasts and ‘love’ for her body
What We Learned Today…
…men now buy Vogue for the articles.

May 9, 2013

TornadoHEADLINE: Tornado activity hits 60-year low
What We Learned Today…
…with tornadoes this low you can’t afford not to invest in twisters.
ATM 45 MillionHEADLINE: In Hours, Thieves Took $45 Million in A.T.M. Scheme
What We Learned Today…
…A.T.M. thieves almost stole enough money to buy Rolling Stones concert tickets.
Heavy Metal MurdererHEADLINE: Metal rocker charged with soliciting wife’s murder
What We Learned Today…
…Metal Health’ll drive you mad.
ColbertHEADLINE: Colbert: Sanford’s Win ‘Scares Me To My Core’
What We Learned Today…
…Stephen Colbert is a poor loser.
Randy JacksonHEADLINE: Randy Jackson Is Leaving ‘American Idol’
What We Learned Today…
…finally the opening “Weird Al” Yankovic has been waiting for!